As an LGBTQ therapist, I know it’s a cliché and a half to say “you can come out at any age,” but it’s true.
Not everyone gets coming out support and a perfect map that points the way to their identity. I know I didn’t.
I’m a queer therapist. You’d think I’d have had my alphabet figured out early, right? Instead, I find myself coming out again, in my late 30s.
You’ll probably notice that I look different in the video I have on Psychology Today compared to the professional photos on my site. There’s a simple reason for that: When I started my company and got those pictures taken, I didn’t know I was trans.
Now I’m a year into medical transition.
Why “Coming Out Late” Isn’t Too Late
I tried to come out in a few awkward ways in college that were mostly requests to be understood, to family members, to the queer community, to people online. I was told, “everyone feels that way.”
Well, if everyone feels that way, I thought that must mean I’m straight. That must mean I’m cis. So I went back into the closet.
I did it because I didn’t know.
I didn’t really know that straight people only want members of the opposite sex. I didn’t know that cis people don’t want to use different pronouns or think, “life would be better if I were a man.”
Sometimes it just goes like that.
I didn’t even realize that I didn’t have a map.
When You Don’t Get the Map You Needed
I don’t know how long you sat behind your closet door. It’s different for everyone, for different reasons.
And it doesn’t matter if you’re 30, 50, or 99. It’s never too late to realize who you really are.
This isn’t a blog telling you to come out. Only you can decide that. This is for people who are wondering if they’re allowed to come out, because it’s been so long.
The answer is yes.
I’m ecstatic that coming out is something teenagers often feel safe to do. It matters to me that queer kids are protected and supported. But not everyone feels safe.
And not everyone knows they’re queer right away.
The Messy Reality of Realizing You’re Queer or Trans Later in Life
Queer realization is often described as “just knowing.” But if you didn’t, if you don’t, if you’re still asking questions?
Good. Keep asking. The questions matter so much more than the answers.
It may seem obvious in retrospect, but heteronormativity is a hell of a drug. We change. Our experiences allow us to see things we couldn’t before.
Coming out later in life can happen for all kinds of reasons. Maybe it’s meeting that one person who makes you do the gay “Oh.”
Maybe it’s working through cultural and societal pressures that made it hard to even consider queerness.
Maybe you knew all along but you weren’t safe, in your community or inside your own head.
Maybe it’s about finally finding something that fits.
There’s no right age to come out. You don’t actually have to come out at all if you don’t want to.
It’s okay if you weren’t given a map at birth.
You can just wander the path and explore for a while. See if you don’t find somewhere comfortable to rest before continuing your journey of identity.
Common Challenges Along the Way
There will be some adjustment. Or a lot. A lot of adjustment. But I want to help with that.
It’s normal. I promise. Really it is.
I’ve been there, and I want to help you understand and integrate this new chapter of your life.
Everyone talks about coming out as a second adolescence, and it’s true.
There are all sorts of new things to experience. Doing it later can feel like time was wasted, but if you didn’t do it in the past… It’s because you weren’t able. Every moment leading up to this was needed for you to arrive here.
Dating as a person you didn’t know you were can feel daunting enough. But now that you’re not running from yourself, you may be feeling all of your emotions without the buffer of self-defense walls for the first time.
Alongside the grief for missed opportunities or the old version of your world, there’s a lot to process.
While you’re changing, the people around you are going to react, whether or not you choose to come out, whether or not you share your orientation or gender changes.
When we live authentically, our very existence shifts the world around us. The environment can’t help but respond. Some people will like it, some won’t, and those challenges are real.
Whether it’s figuring out how to talk to friends and family about your needs, navigating privacy at work, or having sex in new ways, there’s a lot to learn.
Some examples of the work:
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Processing the feeling of “lost time.”
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Navigating changing relationships with family, friends, and partners.
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Grieving old life scripts while embracing new possibilities.
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Balancing authenticity with workplace or community concerns.
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Reclaiming intimacy, identity, and language.
Moving Forward with Support
Georgia has so many amazing and supportive queer communities if you reach out. If you haven’t looked for one yet, I can’t encourage you strongly enough.
There’s no need to be lonely or isolated.
It’s not just that help is out there, though it is. Hi, I’m here. I want to help. And there are so many other people in the LGBTQ community who are waiting for you, who’ve been where you are, and who want to give you what they were given.
You’re Not Alone: Where to Look for Queer Support in Georgia
There are LGBTQ people out there waiting for you to join them, at a book club, a co-op, a dance floor, a kickball field, or a dating app, so they can know you.
You might feel like you’re showing up too late. But if you are, you’re only fifteen minutes late, and all that life experience you bring is better than Starbucks.
I know that’s hard to believe. I don’t always believe it myself, even though it’s true.
It’s okay not to feel comfortable with the changes some days.
I know everything is happening so much. Even the stagnation. Even the bliss.
Everything about your coming out process is okay.
So I hope you’ll try to be kind to yourself.
I really do know how incredibly hard that is when the world has taught us to be ruthless with ourselves for so long.
I want to help you treat yourself with gentleness in this important time, if you’ll let me. So if you’re looking for coming out support in Georgia, I’m a LGBTQ therapist for adults and teens here for you. Reach out via the contact form or give me a call.